1. I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

2. I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I just don’t know why.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

4. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

10-tickles.

5. My leaf blower doesn’t work.

It just sucks!

6. Need an Ark?

I am Noah guy.

7. How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it.

8. How do turtles communicate with each other?

With shell phones.

9. I’m positive I just lost an electron.

Better keep an ion that.

10. How does an attorney sleep?

First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

11. What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?

A Thesaurus.

12. What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?

Most likely to secede!

13. How did the Native Americans get to America first?

They had reservations.

14. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?

All of those sleepless knights.

15. What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.

16. What’s so great about whiteboards?

If you think about it, they’re pretty remarkable!

17. I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

18. How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?

Tea, Rex?

19. What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?

A dino-bore.

20. I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It’s a complex complex complex.

21. Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…

But he did have a hand in it.

22. What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?

Liberty.

23. What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A do-you-think-he-saur-us.

24. Did you hear about the negative Nelly who hates German sausage?

He always fears the wurst.

25. What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?

A silly billy.

26. I just had a near-sex experience…

My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

27. Who invented King Arthur’s round table?

Sir Cumference.

28. Why did the mathematician work from home?

Because he could only function in his domain.

29. I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses the other night.

My dreams have never been clearer.

30. Is your iPad making you fall asleep?

I can help—there’s a nap for that.

31. Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

32. The male pig puts everyone to sleep.

You might say he’s quite a boar.

33. There was a kidnapping at school yesterday.

Don’t worry, though—he woke up.

34. I like bowling.

Seriously, it’s right up my alley.

35. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

36. What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A complete waste of time.

37. What do you call a goat that’s lazy?

Billy Idle.

38. The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

39. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.

He could binomial.

40. I went to the costume party as a turtle.

I had a shell of a time.

41. I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.

The thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

42. What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts.

43. What did the mermaid wear to math class?

An algae-bra.

44. Where do robots go for fun?

The circuits.

45. What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?

A snapping turtle.

46. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

47. What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?

Billy Jean King.

48. Why do math teachers make good dancers?

Because they have algorithms.

49. What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

Chances are they’ll both end up in the gutter.

50. You know what really bugs me?

Insect puns.